We’ve all dreamed of a prince charming coming to rescue us from this wretched world with the gift of love. We’ve read it in novels, watched it in films and heard it in songs…but as we grow older, we tend to question is there anyone who’s made just for us?
“We accept the love we think we deserve” – Stephen Chbosky
We see the flaws when we get to know someone, but we choose them anyway because of our overpowering desire to “fix” people. We believe that the minor setbacks will take a backseat eventually and he’ll suddenly become the man of your dreams.
I’m sorry to break this to you, but he’s not going to change. If he is careless or doesn’t give effort, it won’t change even 20 years into the relationship.
How To Spot The Signs
Imagine this situation: your partner messes something up. You obviously would expect an apology but instead he turns the situation. He portrays it in such a way that you have disappointed him and that is why he did what he did. So, nothing can be his fault and it’s always you who is to be blamed.
According to Psychology Today, “The hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding.”
Does this sound like your partner? Does he ever understand your perspective or see how you feel? Do you feel like you’re not enough because otherwise he’d shower you with love?
A very common technique used by manipulators is gaslighting. What is it? “It’s a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s belief.”
They will make you believe that you’re going crazy or becoming petty and jealous for no reason at all. They will compare you with just about anyone to demean you and then when you are sure there’s something immensely wrong with you, you’ll try to make up for it. That’s what they want: making you pour in effort while they can chill doing nothing. They will blame you and somehow you’ll learn to believe it. This is emotional manipulation at its best. Please identify.
At this point you’ll start believing whatever they say. You will think you don’t deserve anything because you are a mess. You start feeling grateful that this person stuck with you even though you are a pathetic human being. They will keep making you feel miserable so that you value their presence…instead of leaving right away, you choose to stay.
The first stage of love isn’t this way. He will make you feel like a Disney Princess who is all things beautiful. He’ll make you feel special and tell you how lucky he is to have you. However, this idealizing thing doesn’t last long and you become the center of all his problems. You are no longer the only thing he needs; he needs more and more, which you fail to provide as it’s unreasonable. When he spits venom, you think he’s being an ideal mirror showing you your flaws for your own good. When he criticizes, you think he wants you to grow. You fail to see the ulterior motive of this person because you are oh so in love!
You see him doing things that you don’t approve of. Like meeting his ex girlfriend without even telling you, or checking on you all the time only to call you paranoid because when they do it, it’s to “protect”. You become “too much to handle” and are “too fragile”. These are signs of immaturity. If someone cannot accept you as you are, you shouldn’t be with that person. Of course, evolving is a part of life but emotional abuse isn’t the way. Everything should be mutual. If you are on the wrong path, you should acknowledge and apologize instead of putting the blame on others.
This is extremely difficult. We want the shortcut where we look like saints. Life isn’t a bed of roses. It takes courage to accept your faults and be willing to change them. If your guy feels he isn’t accountable for his toxic behavior, he’s not the one. A mistake done twice is a choice. Learn to differentiate between a parasite and a partner please.
Never settle for something. Have faith in yourself. Don’t think this is all you’ll ever get and you must be content with what you have. You are the one to decide your destiny, don’t let someone control it. Be strong and leave because you are worth fighting for. You will get what you dream of, only if you work for it.