Off The Record
Having A Baby – 11 Easy Steps To Prepare For Parenthood
So, you have received good news? You’re expecting the baby and dreading how you will fulfill the duties of being a parent? Well, it’s best to prepare yourself beforehand.
Here are 11 easy steps you can take to ensure you are all ready to welcome your little bundle of joy!
Step 1:
Employ an actor who fills follow you throughout your day and they shouldn’t be any more than 3 inches from you at all times. You give them bonus points if you trip over their bodies as you move about in your house. They also get an additional salary if they sit on your lap when you try to get off of your feet. You let them jump on you from 3 pm to 4 pm. Also, they should be someone you are extremely comfortable with – you can’t really let anyone supervise your waste elimination process now, can you?
Oh, and make them a snack every 15 minutes!
Step 2:
Do you have friends who don’t have children? It’s about time you give them a call and appreciate them for being amazing friends to you. You tell them you are going away but you will see them on Facebook every once in a while!
Step 3:
When you are a parent, it means a lot if you can know how to complete simple tasks. So get a pair of handcuffs or a zip tie and fasten one of your hand to your back. You are good to go about your day as usual!
Step 4:
You will need to drive while being a parent. Visit your local zoo and ask them for three of their most strong-willed orangutans. Now, get a car seat and place it facing the rear of the car and get going. Ensure you have your eyes on the road.
Step 5:
Raising a family, you cook together and eat together. So, get the ingredients for Julia Child’s legendary beef bourguignon, the recipe is in her cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. After spending a good eight hours cooking the dish, allow it to cool off to room temperature. Get ready to throw the pot against the wall… Happy cleaning!
Step 6:
You need to know how becoming a parent would affect your sleep pattern. So, you ask a stranger to put 2-3 surprise alarms between 12 am and 5 am on your phone and you choose the most annoying ringtone your phone has. You need to continue doing so every single night for months. Should you feel like you will complain to someone about it, let them know they need to respond you with “this is somehow your fault”.
Step 7:
With parenting comes responsibility and the need to be constantly worried. If you are wise and smart, you will get yourself used to living a life with moderate to severe anxiety before your child is born. You also want to hire a skywriter and ask them to spell out your full name, social security number, home address and blood type over the nearest maximum security prison yard.
Step 8:
It’s time you relive your childhood days and start watching all the children’s TV programs. Don’t get alarmed if you hear popping or crackling noise in your head – it is just your brain melting!
Step 9:
You might not realize just how close your child might want you to be – even when asleep. You will be graced if your child wants to sleep with you so you need to be prepared for it as well. All you need to do is get yourself a bed which is one-third the width of a standard twin bed and don’t use any pillow or sheets. You just might practice sleeping curled up in your bathtub.
Another interesting article: Who’s the Real Mother of The Child? Check Your Personality Based on Judgment
Step 10:
If you think you will have trouble turning your car into a parent-mobile, rest assured as we have got it covered! Here’s what you will need:
– One and a half dozen of unmatched socks
– A couple of diapers in different sizes
– 2 balled-up pee-pee diapers
– 6 cups of random crumbs
– Some strawberry jam or any other sticky substance
– More than a few broken toys
– A lot of confetti
– And changes of clothes for like 10 children
Mix all of these together in your lawn, ensuring you get the jam on every single thing! Shove it all in your car and ta-da, you are done!
Step 11:
You need to learn how to fold. Pay a visit to your local thrift store and buy a few large bags of clothes. Dump them in your living room, bring in the orangutans and start folding.
Please spare time to watch this video by cardstore by American Greetings… you won’t regret it:
Featured Image Source: Konrad Bak © 123RF.com
