Off The Record
The Chilling Reason This Woman Blinded Herself With Her Bare Hands
The young lady who tore out her own eyes has disclosed why she did it.
When Kaylee Muthart, a 17-year-old Anderson, South Carolina native, left school halfway through the eleventh grade, she was a straight-A student and even a member of the National Honor Society.
Her grades suffered as a result of working long hours to earn money for a car and having an abnormal heartbeat, or heart arrhythmia.
Muthart chose to take a break from school rather than risk damaging her grades.
She had always wanted to study marine biology, and eventually she wanted to get a scholarship to college.
By the time she was eighteen, Muthart was working a part-time job, consuming marijuana frequently, and socially drinking alcohol.
Addiction runs in her family, she told Cosmopolitan, adding, “I deliberately avoided what I considered more serious drugs.”
However, Muthart had never felt a “strange high” until she took marijuana with a 19-year-old acquaintance.
This specific high, which she believes was laced with either coc**** or m***, made her feel closer to God, even though she had always been pious.
The 19-year-old quit her work to put some distance between herself and her pal after the incident because she felt “betrayed” by him.
She never did go back to school.
Muthart’s life began to fall apart during this period; she was unemployed and turned to alcohol and cigarettes as a coping mechanism.
She soon started taking Xanax, a medication that calms the brain and promotes relaxation and anxiety reduction.
Then Muthart had a breakdown after splitting from her boyfriend.
She felt “lonely” and “unhappy” even when she eventually found a new work.
Muthart recounted to Cosmopolitan: “I remembered the way I felt on the laced weed and sought that kind of peace again.”
“At the end of August, with another acquaintance, I decided to smoke m*** for the first time.”
She experienced “hallucinations” as a result of the encounter, and she picked at her skin for an hour until she drew blood.
Muthart started missing work and eventually lost her job because she was embarrassed by the welts this generated.
Despite her decision to stay away from m***, she ended up contacting a roommate who dealt ecst***.
She recalled: “While on ecst***, I studied the Bible. I misinterpreted a lot of it. I convinced myself that m*** would bring me even closer to God.”
“So, after Thanksgiving, when I was feeling particularly lonely, I smoked m*** with a friend. Within two months, I progressed to snorting it, then shooting it as often as I could by myself or with friends.”
Muthart made unsuccessful attempts to kick her addiction “two or three times.” Without evidence that she posed a risk to herself, her mother was unable to have her committed, leaving her “helpless” while she battled to get her into a mental health hospital or rehab.
She avoided talking to her mother and claimed to have “everything under control,” but she ultimately ran into her again.
Muthart consented to spend the next week at a rehabilitation center. She later found out that her mother had filmed the exchange in which she declared the world to be “too evil.” Her mother believed this would be sufficient evidence to obtain a court order and have her committed.
However, she bought m*** the following day and took “a larger dose than I’d ever used before.”
Muthart was still intoxicated and seeing hallucinations the following morning. She wandered along a train track, as she remembers.
“It was then I remember thinking that someone had to sacrifice something important to right the world, and that person was me,” she recalled.
“I thought everything would end abruptly, and everyone would die, if I didn’t tear out my eyes immediately.”
A man Muthart had been staying with—who also happened to have a biblical name—drove past and yelled as she reached this decision.
She took this as a sign and, with the medicines suppressing any pain, pushed her thumb, index finger, and middle finger into each eye, gorged them out of their sockets.
A priest heard Muthart yelling, “I want to see the light!” and stopped her from attacking herself more.
He later claimed that even though her eyes were crushed, they were still somehow attached to her head when he discovered her.
Muthart was drugged and flown to Greenville Memorial Hospital in South Carolina by helicopter as paramedics arrived.
As all of this was going on, her mother was her route to the courthouse in an effort to have her committed. It was too late for her.
Doctors operated in an emergency to remove what was left of Muthart’s eyes in order to protect her optic nerves and avoid infection.
She was offered medications to help with the pain during her week in the hospital, but she only used them once or twice because she was determined to abstain from drugs.
After she recovered, she was moved to an inpatient psychiatric treatment center, where she received a formal bipolar illness diagnosis.
Muthart feels “optimistic” about her future and still aspires to be a marine biologist, despite the fact that life is more difficult now that she is blind.
She concluded: “It took losing my sight to get me back on the right path, but from the bottom of my heart, I’m so glad I’m here.”
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