Off The Record

Woman Took 30 Years To Figure Out Her Identity As Abrosexual

Published on July 12, 2024

‘When did you decide this? Is this even a label – I’ve never heard of it. I support you, obviously, but this doesn’t sound real.’

These are only a few of the remarks she received in 2020 when she came out to a close friend as an abrosexual.

It goes without saying that they are no longer friends.

If you’re unfamiliar with the phrase “abrosexuality,” it simply refers to a person’s changing and fluctuating sexual identity.

She read the text several times, each time feeling more hurt by their disdainful remark. She was telling someone she trusted about who she was, and all they could do was laugh at what she had said.

The simple defense is that you can’t tell someone’s tone from a text message, yet it seems obvious to her that the atmosphere was anything but encouraging. It was doubtful right away and judgmental.

Regretfully, she doubt that this individual will be the last to express their views on her abrosexuality. They are far from the only ones.

Growing up, she had never heard the phrase “abrosexual“; in nineties society, you were either straight, homosexual, or lesbian. Everything else was concocted.

We all know that’s not true, of course, but because of societal blind spots, we pick up new words significantly more slowly than if they were easily available.

People frequently adhere to what they already know when it doesn’t immediately effect them; without that motivation, she discovered that many people don’t seek out to learn more about various orientations.

The woman was 30 years old when she first learned about abrosexuality, which was two years ago. She had had trouble defining her sexuality up until that moment because it changed so quickly.

There were moments when she laughed too, criticizing herself for not knowing who she was. It wasn’t that she was unable to decide; rather, her identity changed.

She’d feel more in line with bisexuality a few days or weeks after feeling like a lesbian one day. I was not a committed gay man.

**There’s always some people who enjoy demanding that I ‘pick a lane’ so that my identity doesn’t offend them (Picture: Emma Flint)**

She felt adrift, like she was out at sea, until sje learned about abrosexuality. She also felt like a liar because of how much she pretended to be someone else when conversing with her family and friends.

Nobody damaged her on purpose, but every now and then someone would say something like, “But you said you were a lesbian only last week.” They were perplexed, and she was at a loss for words at the moment to clarify.

She first came across the phrase “abrosexuality” while perusing the Instagram profile of Zoe Stoller, a US-based social worker, educator, and maker who works to increase the awareness of the LGBTQ+ community.

Do you recall when a lightbulb used to appear over cartoon characters’ heads? She experienced that after reading their message.

She feel noticed at last.

However, even if coming up with a new phrase has greatly helped her comprehend who she am, her identity still causes confusion for some.

When she disclose to individuals that I am abrosexual, she frequently get a blank look and an inquiry about the meaning of the term.

Furthermore, as long as they are polite, queries are OK. Although she didn’t understand it until two years ago, she’s not expecting everyone to either, but you should always listen with respect.

She’s glad to report that her family and other friends have accepted me for who she is and have made an effort to find out more.

**Before coming out as abrosexual, I felt restricted, unable to be myself because I didn’t quite know how to accept the parts of me I didn’t understand (Picture: Emma Flint)**

She’s been asked how being an abrosexual affects her love life, and the answer is that it doesn’t.

In the same way that being bisexual doesn’t make someone feel any different about their spouse, it doesn’t change her love connections. She loves the person, not their gender, so it doesn’t matter if she changes in terms of her sexual orientation while they’re together.

But even when she clarifies this, some individuals still like to insist that she “picks a lane” in order to avoid offending them. She want’s people to realize that authenticity doesn’t diminish because you don’t comprehend or know something about an identity.

However, it’s still difficult to hear remarks like “just say you’re bisexual and be done with it” or “mate, you’re just confused.“

She’s not going to let someone else’s shallow understanding confine her.

Everybody is always discovering new aspects of themselves; this is the essence of growth and development.

Eventually, she hopes that abrosexuality won’t be viewed as a means of being “on trend,” as some of the harsh remarks she heard suggest, but rather as natural and just another identity that someone may have.

Education and venturing outside of your comfort zone to become acquainted with unfamiliar languages are the only ways to gain acceptance.

People might benefit from understanding the vast amount of LGBTQ+ information available online, so ignorance isn’t the primary language that so many of us speak.

She’d remain ignorant about her sexual orientation in the absence of people such as Stoller. She’d be aware that it was always shifting, but she would have no idea why or how it affected her authenticity. She used to worry that she was a fake or that there was a problem with her. It is dreadful to feel cut off from oneself.

She wishes to understand why her friend’s response to her identification was so devastating.

She felt constrained and unable to be who she truly was before coming out as abrosexual because she wasn’t sure how to accept the aspects of myself that she didn’t fully comprehend.

She can finally give her identity a name now that she knows, and she can’t wait to watch how that fluidity develops.

Since her sexuality makes sense to her, and ultimately that’s all that really matters, She’s no longer anxious about it.