Off The Record
My Wife’s Family Took Over My House And Nearly Destroyed Our Marriage—So I Taught Them A Lesson They’ll Never Forget
I immediately invited my in-laws to stay with us after their flat flooded. However, my wife refused to stop them from converting my house into their own hotel six weeks later. I then devised a strategy to reclaim my home.
I’m the type of guy that likes to live in peace. I’m content if I spend an evening at home with my wife, Kelly, our two cats curled up on the couch, and some lousy Thai food.
When my mother-in-law, Susan, called to inform us that their basement apartment had flooded, I immediately offered them a place to stay, even though I never thought I would wind up living with four other people.
Kelly’s brows lifted. “David, are you certain about this? You know, my family can be.”
“Too much? They’re family, I know. I encircled her shoulders with my arm. Additionally, it’s only temporary till they locate a new location. How terrible might it be?”
Kelly let out a sigh. “You always think you can handle them better than I can.”
An hour later, the four of them showed up.
Kelly’s mother arrived with a canvas bag filled with aromatic oils and three large luggage. Her father, Stan, brought in a cooler that appeared to be able to withstand the end of the world.
Andrea, Kelly’s sister, inquired right away where she might charge her phone when she arrived with her own bag. Kelly’s brother Josh also walked in like he was checking into a vacation.
Josh remarked, “This is awesome,” and let his duffle bag fall into the corridor. “You guys have such a nice place.”
In the guest rooms, they took refuge. Josh and Andrea had to use the hallway bathroom because we only had two.
Stan and Susan were given the larger guest room with the half-bath connected. It looked doable.
I was so gullible.
They had taken over the kitchen in an hour. Susan began to rearrange our spice cabinet. Stan scowled as if examining a crime scene as he opened the refrigerator.
“No meat for lunch? Not even ham? I’ll simply cook the remainder of your eggs. I’m going hungry.”
Josh answered, “Me too,” and he joined Stan in front of the refrigerator.
Shortly after, Andrea was preparing a smoothie for herself using Kelly’s pricey collagen powder, the remaining almond milk, the local honey I had purchased at a farmer’s market, and an entire package of frozen berries.
Josh built himself a sandwich after discovering our stockpile of $30 truffle cheese. with ketchup. I nearly burst into tears.
Across the room, I got Kelly’s attention. She shrugged, as if this were nothing, and smiled sheepishly at me.
To keep us all going until Kelly’s family had time to visit the market, I bought some additional food the following day.
The package was empty when I returned to the pantry two days later to get some granola bars for my work lunch.
“Kelly?” She was brewing coffee when I returned to the kitchen. “Do you know what happened to all those granola bars?”
Kelly gave a headshake. “Maybe Josh had some?”
“Some?” The empty box was thrown in the garbage. “I bought that box two days ago, and it’s empty.”
Kelly folded her arms. “How do you want me to handle it? Is the pantry locked? Josh, put him in time-out.”
I made an effort to ignore it, but by the weekend, the pantry was completely empty of snacks.
I was mistaken to believe that things could get any worse.
When I arrived home early one week later, I saw Andrea dozing off in our bed. OUR BED! I shook her much more gently than I wanted to after placing a hand on her shoulder.
“Go away,” she let out a moan. “I’m trying to take a nap.”
“This bed belongs to Kelly and me. You can take a nap in the guest room’s excellent bed.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Don’t yell, David! You’re being really cruel. It’s quieter in here, and your bed is more comfy.”
“Andrea, this is our private space…”
She turned over, tucked herself into the bed, and immediately fell asleep again. I was utterly stunned as I stood there looking down at her. The better part of me understood that picking her up and carrying her out of there would only lead to trouble, but I still wanted to do it.
I talked to Kelly about it that night. It didn’t work out.
“I asked her to go back to the guest room, and she just ignored me!” “I said.”
Kelly let out a sigh. “I’ll talk to her.”
By the end of the week, Andrea was napping on our bed every day. It seems that Andrea informed Kelly that Josh was too noisy for her to take a nap in the guest room.
“But I don’t want her in our private space,” I replied.
“Neither do I, but what can we do about it?” Kelly answered. “We can’t just kick them out.”
“I’m not saying we should, but this is getting out of hand.”
“And you think I’ll fix it? David, is that correct?” Kelly gave a headshake. “I knew this was a bad idea, but you didn’t listen to me, and now you want to blame me for it, anyway.”
“That’s not—”
Before I could say anything more, she left. Andrea wasn’t the only one occupying our space, as I found out when I went upstairs and entered our bedroom.
Josh was only using a towel to clean his teeth when I entered our private restroom.
“What are you doing in here?” I lost my temper.
The basin was where Josh spat. “Your bathroom has way better water pressure, dude.”
He left a toothpaste mess in the sink as he passed me. You have no interest in seeing what the shower looked like.
I began to dream about protecting witnesses. Maybe an isolated cabin in Montana, and new identities for Kelly and me. There’s nothing better than this.
Every interaction was tinged with tension at that moment. When I wanted to shout, I smiled, and when I wanted to throw something, I nodded. I was dying within, and I had become a visitor in my own house.
I almost choked on my own spit one morning when I entered the kitchen.
Wearing only boxer underwear, Stan stood near the coffee maker, scratching his stomach.
He lifted his mug and said, “Morning, champ,”
I immediately went back upstairs after turning around. I was physically unable to deal with my half-naked FIL at seven in the morning.
When I got home on Friday, Josh and his pals were playing on MY PS5 and hogging the couch while eating pizza.
In the kitchen, I discovered Kelly eating crackers to relieve her stress.
“Is your brother hosting a frat party in our living room?”
“I think so,” she responded, raising her voice above normal.
I remarked, “They’re using my console,”
“I understand. I advised them to exercise caution and to clean up after themselves.” She hesitated. “I’m sure it will be fine.”
It wasn’t good. We were no longer in a good situation.
Over the next few weeks, Andrea redecorated our living room after determining that it needed greater Feng Shui. She rearranged every piece of furniture and, like a boho chandelier, hung a huge dreamcatcher in the middle of the space.
“What do you think?” Andrea put her hands on her hips and requested.
“I think it looks like a thrift store exploded.”
She scowled. “You don’t appreciate good energy.”
Susan then began dressing our animals in costumes on Instagram, as if the universe hadn’t already made me feel so ashamed. Specifically, princess attire, replete with little tiaras.
They gazed at me with deceived eyes as she held them up like awards.
“Look at my babies!” she said while taking pictures.
After saving Muffin from a glittering tutu, I turned to face Kelly.
I said, “This is not their house,” softly.
She cast her gaze downward.
“Kelly, we must take action on this. They are now squatters, not visitors. And I’m finished.”
She gave a nod. “I understand. David, they’ve taken control, but they’re stuck there.”
I yelled, “They’ve had six weeks to figure it out,” “You’re choosing their comfort over our sanity.”
She glared at me and turned to go. I realized at that very moment that Kelly’s family would push us apart if I didn’t act quickly.
I scrolled through rental listings all night long. I located three locations within 10 miles and sent Susan an email with a kind note explaining how these could be useful.
She started crying at the breakfast table the following morning.
She cried, “You’re making us feel so unwelcome!” “After all we’ve been through?”
I looked across at Kelly. She looked at me like I was guilty.
“I think your plan backfired,” she muttered on.
When I got home from work that afternoon, Josh’s car was parked across the driveway, nearly horizontal. To avoid it, I pulled into the lawn. I was no longer concerned. My spirit was no longer in my body.
Josh and his girlfriend were making love on our couch when I burst in. My two kitties, one dressed as a taco and the other as a banana, took refuge beneath the TV stand like prisoners.
After picking them up and removing their costumes, I went upstairs. I had attempted to speak with Kelly and to gently persuade her family to go, but to no avail.
The major weapons needed to be brought out.
I explained my strategy to Kelly a day later. Although she acknowledged that we had no other choice, she felt it was harsh.
I informed Susan and Stan that evening that I would like to throw a cookout the next weekend.
I said to them, “Invite all the family,” Uncles, aunts, and cousins. The greater the better.
I hired a griller, ordered brisket, and installed string lights and speakers in the backyard. The location was crowded by dusk.
I stood and clinked my glass after waiting till everyone had had a drink. The throng fell silent.
“It’s been an eye-opening experience, living with Kelly’s family,” I said. “You all have such strong personalities and… interesting habits.”
I went on, “I’ve prepared a little slideshow for tonight,” “A highlights reel of our time together over what feels like the longest few weeks of my life.”
I pressed the remote control.
Stan was shown on the television, clawing himself like Bigfoot while wearing boxers. The audience let out a gasp. Then there was a picture of Josh playing on my console without a shirt, surrounded by pizza boxes. The audience burst out laughing.
Slides showed Andrea reorganizing the living room and sleeping in our bed. Susan was seen in another portraying our tabby cat as a pirate. I would even create a time-lapse of munchies disappearing from the pantry and refrigerator.
Laughter replaced the gasps. Josh gaped at the television in fear as Andrea appeared to want to vanish.
Stan’s expression went purple. He bellowed, “Is this how you treat family?”
“You’ve taken advantage of our kindness for long enough.” I gave a shrug. “Your rental information is located on the kitchen counter. Copies in print. I believed that everyone would find it easy.”
That evening, they prepared their belongings. The four of them. Tires peeled out of the driveway with a shriek.
As we stood there, Kelly and I watched the taillights go out of sight.
Her words, “That was brutal,”
“Everything else we tried, Kelly, didn’t work. They gave us no options.”
With a sigh, she leaned closer to me. “I ought to have been more severe with them. ought to have made them respect our personal space. I’m sorry it got to this point.”
I embraced her with my arms. “I ought to have paid attention to you. You told me that allowing them to remain here was a poor idea. Perhaps if we had informed them right away that it would only be for a night or two.”
We went back inside. Once more, the house was ours.
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