Off The Record
They Tried To Ruin My Flight—So I Sent Them Crashing Back To Earth
Have your seatmates ever been terrible?
Allow me to share a story about the newlyweds who made my fourteen-hour flight an absolute nightmare.
They pretended that the aircraft was their own honeymoon flat.
To give them a crash education in aircraft etiquette, I chose to cause some turbulence of my own when they went too far.
They say that love is in the air, but this flight was a complete mess.
Hello!
This story may cause you to reconsider your next long-distance trip. My name is Toby, and I’m 35 years old.
Imagine this: After what seems like an eternity abroad, I’m on a plane, counting down the minutes until I can finally give my wife and child a hug.
Then these two conceited newlyweds show up and ruin my tranquilly.
For the 14-hour journey, I had indulged in a premium economy seat.
Every inch of extra legroom counts when you’re trapped in a metal tube that length.
The man next to me introduced himself just as I was settling in.
“Hey there, I’m Dave. Sorry to ask, but would you switch seats with my wife? We just got married…”
I congratulated him and grinned.
“That’s great! Where’s your wife sitting?”
Dave gestured towards the rear of the aircraft.
“Lia is back in the economy.”
I’m not heartless now.
They want to sit together, and I understand that.
However, I paid more for this position, and I wasn’t going to give it up so easily.
I said courteously, “Look, Dave, I paid more for this seat.”
“But I’d be happy to switch if you’re willing to pay the upgrade cost, which is around $1,000 Australian dollars.”
Dave’s face became sour.
“A thousand dollars? Are you serious?”
I shrugged. “That’s the deal. Otherwise, I’m staying put.”
I saw Dave frown as I put on my headphones.
He whispered, just loud enough for me to hear, “You’ll regret this.”
My flying nightmare began with those three words.
The coughing, loud, ragged, and unrelenting, came first.
“Dave, are you okay there?” Trying not to lose my temper, I asked.
He gave me a sour-milk-like look.
He rasped, “Never better,” before doubling down with yet another outburst.
Then, sans headphones, he blasted an action movie on his tablet.
The couple on the other side of the aisle appeared irritated.
The man said, “Hey, could you turn that down?”
Dave grinned naively.
“Oops, forgot my headphones. I guess we’ll all enjoy it together.”
I gritted my teeth.
“Come on, Dave. That’s not okay.”
His mischievous eyes gleamed.
“Oh, am I bothering you? That’s unfortunate.”
Then he spilt more of the pretzel crumbs on me than in his mouth, for some reason.
“Sorry.” Without even feigning regret, he said, “Butter fingers.”
I thought it couldn’t get any worse until Lia, laughing, came up the aisle.
She said, “Is this seat taken?” before settling into Dave’s lap.
The noises of whispering, laughter, and suggestion started.
It felt like being stuck in a bad romantic comedy.
An hour or so later, I was done.
A flight attendant was flagged down by me.
“Time to use fire to put out fire.”
Dave and Lia activated the charm as she walked closer.
“Is something wrong, sir?” Observing our row, she enquired.
“Is there a problem?”
Where should I begin? I spoke loud enough to be heard.
“The flight became a private honeymoon suite for these two.”
Coughing fits, loud films, exploding snacks and now lap-sitting were among the offences I enumerated.
Dave’s face flushed.
“We recently got married! All we want to do is sit together!”
The stewardess let out a sigh.
“I get it, but there are rules. It has to do with safety. Adults are not allowed to sit on each other’s laps.”
She interrupted Dave when he objected.
“You must abide by all policies since you were moved here as a courtesy and did not pay for this upgrade.”
She looked over at Lia.
“Please go back to your original seat, Ma’am.”
Lia’s gaze expanded.
“But we have a marriage!”
Flatly, the hostess said, “Congratulations.”
“Return to your seat now.”
She cut Dave off when he began to complain once more.
“You will both be placed in economy due to your actions.”
Dave’s face turned white.
“The two of us? However, I paid—”
“The upgrade was a courtesy,” she stated firmly.
Which you mistreated. Please gather your belongings.
I heard them arguing as they packed up.
“You are to blame for this!” Lia growled.
“Me? You—”
The stewardess said, “Enough.”
“Go to the rear.”
I waved a fictitious wave as they walked by.
“Have a great honeymoon.”
I smiled, but Dave scowled.
She turned to face me, the stewardess.
“Sir, is there anything else I can get you?”
I said, “Just a little quiet.”
“A celebratory drink, perhaps?”
Later, I got a thumbs up from an older man on the other side of the aisle.
“Well done,” he said with a laugh.
“It brings back memories of my first marriage.”
“Oh honey, you did us all a favor,” his partner continued.
A drink was brought back by the stewardess.
She winked and added, “On the house.”
“I appreciate your patience.”
I held up the bottle.
“To karma and calm flights!”
The toast was echoed by others around me.
Later, there was turbulence.
Dave’s drink spilt, and I heard him yelp.
I laughed as I took a taste of mine.
“Karma is a witch.”
Then there was more drama. Lia had to use the loo.
“There’s an emergency!” she exclaimed.
A flight attendant made an effort to soothe her.
“Until the seatbelt sign is off, you must remain seated.”
“But I’m impatient!” Lia sobbed.
“She has a medical condition,” Dave added.
The attendant paused.
“All right—but hurry up.”
I got up as they got closer.
“Didn’t we already go over this? Back of the plane, remember?”
Dave frowned.
“Take care of your own affairs.”
Yes, I believe it is my concern. We don’t want any more disturbances.
“Please, it’s just a bathroom break,” Lia begged.
I moved out of the way.
“All right.”
I wasn’t finished, though. I looked across to the attendant.
“Did you know that because of their previous behaviour, they were instructed to remain in the back?”
She blinked.
“No, I wasn’t told.”
The original stewardess reappeared at that moment.
“Is something wrong?”
Dave’s face went pale. Lia halted her flamboyant dance.
I took a step back.
“I think they were simply departing.”
A severe look came across the hostess.
“Return to your seats. Right now.”
“But—” Lia began.
“No buts. Alternatively, the air marshal will be involved.”
Silently, they slunk back.
I couldn’t wait to get off the plane as we started our descent.
At last the flight had calmed down.
The stewardess came up.
“I appreciate your patience. I hope your flight went well in spite of the previous problems.”
“Thank you,” I said with a smile.
“You managed everything flawlessly.”
Dave and Lia were dodging glances as I got off the ship.
I had a fleeting moment of pity, but it was quickly gone.
As I passed, I said, “Hope you learned something. Enjoy the honeymoon.”
Dave’s face was a fiery crimson.
He said nothing.
Well done.
I saw my wife and child as soon as I entered the terminal.
When they spotted me, their faces brightened.
All recollections of Dave and Lia disappeared.
All that mattered was that I was home.
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