Off The Record
7 Ridiculous Jokes about Wives and Husbands
There’s always a place for humor in a marriage full of ups and downs and everything in between. As you’ll see from the jokes below, the everyday interactions between husbands and wives can result in touching and amusing occasions.
These seven jokes, which range from unexpected remarks to deft comebacks, show off the lighthearted and playful aspects of marriage. These tales will make you chuckle at the surprising turns and nod in agreement, whether you’re married or just love a good laugh.
1. The Note Under the Bed
There will inevitably be frustrating moments in any marriage, particularly if one partner feels undervalued. In this joke, a woman decides to use a note to teach her husband a lesson but is surprised by his response.
An irate woman decided to leave a message that read, “I’ve had enough and have left you,” after her husband was once again late for dinner. Come after me with no bother.
She then hid beneath the bed to observe his response.
The husband returned home after a little while, and she heard him walk into the kitchen and then into the bedroom. She watched him go to the dresser and get the note. He scrawled something on it after a few minutes and then picked up the phone to make a call.
“She’s finally gone… Yeah, I know, about time, right? I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you… I can’t wait to see you… We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
Picking up his keys, he hung up and walked out.
She emerged from behind the bed just in time to hear the automobile drive off. With tears in her eyes and a raging temper, she reached for the note to read what he had written.
“I’m able to see your feet. We’ll run out of bread; please return in five.”
2. The Pharmacist’s Explanation
Occasionally, a straightforward misunderstanding can turn into a conflict very quickly. This joke illustrates in a lighthearted way how preconceptions may cause a situation to spiral out of control, leaving everyone in stitches until the truth is revealed.
A husband arrived home to find his wife sobbing at the door. She said, “It’s the pharmacist,” with tears in her eyes. “He called me this morning and severely humiliated me.”
The spouse stormed down to the pharmacist, demanding an apology from the pharmacist. But the pharmacist interrupted him before he could speak, saying, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.” The alarm didn’t go off this morning, so I was running late for work.”
“After racing out to the car without eating breakfast, I discovered that I had left my house and car keys inside and had locked myself out. To grab my keys, I had to smash through a window. I then received a speeding ticket for exceeding the posted speed limit. Later, I had a flat tire and was about three streets away from the store. There was already a crowd waiting when I opened up. The phone continued to ring off the hook the entire time.”
In order to make the change, I had to smash a roll of coins against the cash register drawer, which caused them to scatter all over the floor. The phone kept ringing, so I crawled down on my hands and knees to collect the pennies.
“I stumbled back against a showcase filled with perfume bottles after cracking my head on the open cash drawer. Unbelievably, they all broke when they touched the ground. The phone kept ringing and wouldn’t stop, so I eventually had a chance to answer it.”
“It was your spouse. God is my witness, all I did was explain her the basics when she asked how to use a rectal thermometer.”
3. The Family Secret
Although family secrets can occasionally be upsetting, they can also provide some of the most surprising and hilarious anecdotes. In this joke, the young man’s joy over his impending marriage takes an unexpected turn when his father divulges some shocking details, setting off an even funnier chain of events.
George stormed into the living room one Sunday morning, shouting, “Dad! Mom! For you, I have some wonderful news! The most gorgeous girl in the town and I are getting married. Her name is Susan, and she resides one block away.”
George’s father pulled him aside after supper and said, “Son, I have to talk with you.” George, look at your mother. “I’ve been married to her for thirty years. I used to fuck around with women a lot, but she’s a great wife and mother and has never really offered much excitement in the bedroom. I’m sorry, but you are not allowed to wed Susan—she is actually your half-sister.”
George was devastated. Eventually, eight months later, he resumed dating women. When he returned home a year later, he happily declared, “Diane said yes! June is the month when we will marry.”
Again, his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
George was furious! At last, he made up his mind to tell his mother the news that his father had told him.
“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”
His mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
4. The Event with the Fried Eggs
Occasionally, routine tasks like preparing breakfast might lead to a playful fight between partners. This joke takes that common situation and hilariously comments on how everyone feels compelled to offer counsel without being asked, especially when the roles are reversed.
A wife was preparing breakfast—fried eggs. Her husband stormed into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter?! They’re going to stick! Careful. Careful! I said, Be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt!”
His spouse gazed at him. “What is wrong with you, What in the world? Do you really believe that I can’t fry a few eggs?”
With composure, the spouse answered, “Yes, you do. I simply wanted to demonstrate to you how driving feels.”
5. The Supermarket Strategy
It can be difficult to navigate a congested supermarket, particularly if you lose sight of your partner.
This joke, which naturally has a humorous undertone, capitalizes on that typical experience to highlight how resourceful a husband may be in his search for a wife.
Ivan became separated from his wife in a supermarket. “Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?” he asked a pleasant young woman.
“Why should I?” the woman questioned, taken aback by Ivan’s peculiar plea.
“It never changes. My wife appears out of nowhere as soon as I start talking to a lovely woman.”
6. The Flu Revelation
It’s never fun to be sick and stuck at home, but this joke demonstrates how a man’s illness unexpectedly and humorously revealed his wife’s actual thoughts. Love can occasionally be found in the strangest settings or circumstances.
A man went to see a buddy who had been bedridden for weeks due to the virus.
The friend reported that, surprisingly, it had been a joyful and amazing experience.
“How so?” the man enquired.
“Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, every time the postman, the milkman, or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting, My husband is home! My spouse has returned home.”
7. The Late-Night Approach
Sometimes the plan of sneaking in late after a night out doesn’t work out. In this joke, two husbands contrast how they handle conflicts with their wives, only to find that sometimes the best course of action is a little more blunt and lighthearted.
One evening, as the two married buddies were out to drink, one turned to the other and began to gripe about his circumstances at home.
“You know, there’s nothing else I can do,” he murmured. “When I arrive home from a night out drinking, I make sure to switch off the headlights before pulling into the driveway. I coast into the garage after turning off the engine. My wife still wakes up and scolds me for staying out so late, even if I remove my shoes before entering the house, tiptoe up the stairs, undress in the bathroom, and gently slide into bed.”
His pal gave him a look and said, “Clearly, you’re going about this the wrong way. ‘Do you want to make love?’ I scream as I charge into the driveway, slam the door, charge up the stairs, flush the toilet fully, toss my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, and then hop into bed. And each and every time, she pretends to be asleep.”
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