Love is not just fatal attraction, followed by not-so-socially sanctioned and then very-socially-sanctioned copulation and family-rearing. It is far more complicated and it took years for men to understand it. When they did, they understood their own self and civilization in retrospect too.
Because here’s why: love is not just about child-rearing; people love dead romantic partners too, remaining celibate/spinsters in their memory. On the contrary, love gave rise to proper human marriages and took human civilization down the road it did.
Let’s not get there, however.
Let’s talk about how men are taught certain traits, thanks to the underlying patriarchy prevalent in society. Men are portrayed and have been for the longest time as the stereotypical hunter-gatherers, looking for fresh pastures (if you know what I mean) after they are done with one.
And like literature is influenced by its surrounding fabric, it influences it right back.
So, for years and years, men have formed a particular kind of taste, aspiration, and expectation towards their ideal relationship. It majorly comprises seven things that somehow arouse the most primal of love in the majority of men.
Let’s look at them:
1. The moment when he is ready
Love comes with the added responsibilities of another person, which sometimes might include economic and social prerequisites on his part. He has to think of himself as being absolutely ready, and in no way embarrassing for himself or the woman he loves.
That moment is ultimately necessary because, if it doesn’t happen, it would give rise to what we call the hunter-gatherer phenomenon: an adulterous philanderer person who doesn’t love but only enjoys the carnal pleasures that come with a romantic attachment.
In some cases, age also makes a mark on men’s perceptions, i.e. if they think they are of the right age to understand what love is and participate in it.
2. He needs to be in control
This is one of the many primal and patriarchal urges in almost all men. Men need to lead, they need to be in control; they get off to it in the deepest biological sense.
Patrilineal social structure is a hereditary trait from man’s distant ancestor, the Toumai ape, and has been a mainstay in masculine behavior.
So, when men feel in control in certain situations (e.g. paying a bill, ordering the food, etc.), it is a deep sign for them, a sign of trust that you show in them and their authority.
3. He needs to be sure that you will be safe with him
An extension of the previous point, men love to protect their loved ones. This is the reason behind the whole ‘daddy-baby-girl’ dynamic too. Men have a proclivity towards thinking about dominating, taking care of, and protecting their loved ones, as it gives them a sense of being in control of their own selves too.
And given the stereotypical relationship of this age, it is actually sensible on men’s parts that they think twice before hurting you. It is better to be in a real relationship than to be in a toxic one.
4. He needs to feel the spark in bed too
Intimacy makes and breaks relationships, it is known. So, unless he feels the spark in bed with you, love is not going to happen. Because, after all, the hormones that control love and cause it to happen in the first place are secreted in the largest quantities after satisfying sex.
So, it is only natural for love to blossom post-sex too. What you can do on your part, is to keep expectations of love and a future per se, low, and live in the moment when things get steamy.
5. He needs acceptance
Just like he likes being in control, he is expected by everyone to be in control at all times. And it is only human to make a mistake, but when it comes to men, society does come out against them with all guns blazing, just like in the case with women. The double-edged sword of patriarchy, I guess.
Anyway, he would obviously be elated to be accepted despite his mistakes and flaws. Disclaimer though: if he doesn’t do the same for you, maybe you should accept someone else.
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6. He needs to see commitment in you too
Because well, commitment is a huge step for him and he will never take it if he does not see reciprocation.
In a way, it might seem crazy and selfish, but unconditional love is not possible biologically; at least, it is not as common as Hollywood would have you think.
So unless he sees his own emotions being reciprocated, he will never fall for you.
7. He needs to see a future of purpose with you
Unless people in love make each other better versions of themselves, what is the use of being so pumped up about it in the first place?
If he doesn’t see the possibility of growth, his most primal senses would immediately show him red flags. After all, would you want to change the basic personality traits you have just to be with a person?
If the answer for you can be an ethical and moral ‘no’, then well, it can be the same for him too.
Unless the majority, or in some cases all of these are not met, not only will the sparks not fly but also, the resultant relationship will be sour and bitter in the near future.
And remember, it is always better to wait until things are just right before taking a step as large as this.
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